Question:::… In what ways have you attempted to manipulate or control the actions of others for your own personal needs, lately?
Featured Comment by Adam ::: “I will think someone is trying to get in front of me while driving when it wasn’t their turn. So I will edge up further as a way of telling them to not even go there. I had someone wanting me to do something on the weekend that I didn’t want to do. I could tell they were going to ask, so I mentioned my previous plans before they could. At work I know how staff who do not report to me will behave in a certain circumstance, so I set it up so the outcome is how I want it to be. I have to look at each of these situations and make an ethical decision as to what is acceptable and why. I’m not so sure trying to influence other people’s behavior is always wrong. Everyone does do it to a certain level whether they admit it or not.”
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The Way We Were – Beyonce (3:41)
Henry Miller on Non-striving (4:07)
Soaring Acceptance Guided Nature Meditation (8:56)
Today’s SFZ explores how the drive to help others can become toxic when fueled by control rather than compassion. Step Two of recovery invites us to examine the real motives behind our so-called “heroic efforts.” As Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12) points out, our concern often masks an attempt to control others. Worry becomes manipulation. Anxiety becomes a cover for avoiding our own unmet needs. Psychologist Carl Jung noted that what we resist persists. When we resist facing ourselves, we shift focus to controlling others instead.
Life with Hope emphasizes the inevitable backlash of such behavior. When we impose our will, others resist. This leads to conflict, hurt, and a false sense of persecution. We double down on control, and our suffering worsens. Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, would argue that such behavior stems from irrational beliefs, chiefly, the belief that others must act in ways that suit us. When they don’t, we feel threatened and react with more control.
Henry Miller’s reflection on acceptance reminds us that peace begins with restraint. The wisdom to “keep our hands off” others’ lives is a form of mature humility. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, taught that true freedom lies in choosing our response. When we choose acceptance over manipulation, we reclaim that freedom.
Ultimately, the lesson is this: effective care for others begins with care for ourselves. Control breeds chaos. Acceptance, born of necessity and honesty, brings peace — first within, then beyond.
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