The Key Reason Why Our Heroic Efforts Might Often Turn Sour – Step 2

Written by

Question:::… In what ways have you attempted to manipulate or control the actions of others for your own personal needs, lately?

Featured Comment by Adam ::: “I will think someone is trying to get in front of me while driving when it wasn’t their turn. So I will edge up further as a way of telling them to not even go there. I had someone wanting me to do something on the weekend that I didn’t want to do. I could tell they were going to ask, so I mentioned my previous plans before they could. At work I know how staff who do not report to me will behave in a certain circumstance, so I set it up so the outcome is how I want it to be. I have to look at each of these situations and make an ethical decision as to what is acceptable and why. I’m not so sure trying to influence other people’s behavior is always wrong. Everyone does do it to a certain level whether they admit it or not.”

~~~ Sign up to get Zonr for Today’s Full SFZ

~~~

The Way We Were – Beyonce (3:41)

Henry Miller on Non-striving (4:07)

Soaring Acceptance Guided Nature Meditation (8:56)

Today’s SFZ explores how the drive to help others can become toxic when fueled by control rather than compassion. Step Two of recovery invites us to examine the real motives behind our so-called “heroic efforts.” As Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12) points out, our concern often masks an attempt to control others. Worry becomes manipulation. Anxiety becomes a cover for avoiding our own unmet needs. Psychologist Carl Jung noted that what we resist persists. When we resist facing ourselves, we shift focus to controlling others instead.

Life with Hope emphasizes the inevitable backlash of such behavior. When we impose our will, others resist. This leads to conflict, hurt, and a false sense of persecution. We double down on control, and our suffering worsens. Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, would argue that such behavior stems from irrational beliefs, chiefly, the belief that others must act in ways that suit us. When they don’t, we feel threatened and react with more control.

Henry Miller’s reflection on acceptance reminds us that peace begins with restraint. The wisdom to “keep our hands off” others’ lives is a form of mature humility. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, taught that true freedom lies in choosing our response. When we choose acceptance over manipulation, we reclaim that freedom.

Ultimately, the lesson is this: effective care for others begins with care for ourselves. Control breeds chaos. Acceptance, born of necessity and honesty, brings peace — first within, then beyond.

Mobile Recovery Spiritual Solutions You can Count ON!

Comments

5 responses to “The Key Reason Why Our Heroic Efforts Might Often Turn Sour – Step 2”

May 22, 2025

Elexi W.S.A.

I’m not manipulative, but can say with my co-dependence I have tried to control some situations all the way where my life feels like it’s at risk for harm right along with others. When I can be of help and coerce someone on a better path, like I’d like them to do for me too, I will, but sometimes I have to also learn to just let go.

Reply
May 21, 2025

Sabrina J

Anytime I use a persuasive argument, one could argue that it is a form of manipulation. Currently it is a behavior that I work to avoid. I consider free will to be a gift from my higher power and in such, it is my goal to create an environment where manipulation is not required. If you love something, set it free and if the love it real, it will naturally return, without the ugly side of manipulation.

Reply
May 21, 2025

Madison McAleese

Sometimes, instead of listening to understand, I listen to judge or jump to conclusions. I want to be more present, listening with an open heart, seeking nothing but understanding.

Reply
May 28, 2013

Br. Buddha

Good morning + Happy Tuesday everyone. Here is today’s thought. Believing that you are in the presence of the Holy Spirit (God) will bring you strength + peace. Blessings. BB

Reply
August 28, 2012

Adam

I will think someone is trying to get in front of me while driving when it wasn’t their turn. So I will edge up further as a way of telling them to not even go there. I had someone wanting me to do something on the weekend that I didn’t want to do. I could tell they were going to ask, so I mentioned my previous plans before they could. At work I know how staff who do not report to me will behave in a certain circumstance, so I set it up so the outcome is how I want it to be. I have to look at each of these situations and make an ethical decision as to what is acceptable and why. I’m not so sure trying to influence other people’s behavior is always wrong. Everyone does do it to a certain level whether they admit it or not.

Reply